Behold, another glorious day in the land of social media. And I love it so, so much. Starbucks, you’ve damned-near broken the internet with your magical looking, questionably tasting, limited-time-only Unicorn Frappuccino. I’m not quite sure there’s a better form of entertainment out there for me today.
By nature, people just freak the Hell out. I’m one of them; I freak out a lot, partly because I’m passionate about many things and mostly because I’m crazy. Whether it be a positive, “I LOVE MY LIFE TODAY, OMG!”-level freak out, or a more negative, angryish, “I want to really hurt someone“-type of freak out, we’re all just freaking out, all of the time. Today, it’s over the oddly sour, mango”ish”-flavored frappuccino that’s loaded with sugar and fake ingredients as much as it’s loaded with color and sparkly powder topping. I one-hundred-percent understand the reasoning behind total disinterest in trying it, vs. being one of the first in the Starbucks line to paw and photograph the magical-looking thing early this morning. Some people with very specific food and drink preferences just think the description of the concoction is unpleasant sounding; those who are truly putting only the best in their bodies are appalled by the drink’s nutrition facts; many don’t give AF about Starbucks and drink their coffee at the local cafe exclusively; some could care less about anything because life is damned hard and there really are more important things in life; and I can’t leave out the folks who think Starbucks is pure, liberal evil. Then, there’s the Unicorn fans who are just thrilled to see, experience, and photograph the drink because it’s limited time only, God help us all (and using that #StarbucksUnicorn hashtag along with your Instagram will surely guarantee some new followers). Seeing all the opinions re: the Unicorn Frappe unfold on social media throughout the day has been absolutely delightful, to say the least (and actually a really nice distraction — thank God we have something to focus our energies on besides, you know, that monstrosity in the White House, but I digress).
Y’all are gettin’ mean, though. Holy Hell, you’re gettin’ mean. And there ain’t no need to get mean over a pretty drink that tastes like stomach acid, vanilla ice cream and a Pixy Stick. From the anti-Unicorn frappe side, I’ve read things like: “Why would you spend so much money on a stupid drink when there are people starving in the world?” and, “Who would put all of that sugar and articificial coloring and flavoring in their bodies?” Pro Unicorn Frappe fans are also insulting, though the shame we’re (haha! I just revealed what side I’m on!) throwing out there is much less aggressive. Stuff like, “you Unicorn Frappe haters don’t know how to have fun.” But, that’s a Unicorn fan for you. We’re magical and mystical and mythical and beautifully lovely and sheer perfection. And well spoken, and well written. Like me. For example:
Calm TF down, and don’t drink the damned thing, people.
And, respect the Unicorn.
Oh, and pull your head out of your Pilates-positioned ass for one second to, you know, breathe. Life ain’t all organic peppers and kale, and we’re all gonna die anyway (I’m typing this out of honest-to-goodness jealousy, because I can’t for the life of me commit to any regular exercise regimen or clean-eating plan and I’m 30-40 pounds heavier than I was 3 years ago because of it).
Also, don’t be sad that the Unicorn Frappuccino is sucking up all of the Instagram likes today and your flower picture got no love. My toddler’s daily photo is actually taking a back seat for at least another 3 hours, because that pink and purple dreamy looking dump in a cup deserves at least a half day at the top of my Insta profile screen.
Don’t be mean, people. Don’t be mean. Wink.
Finally, I leave you with my personal Unicorn Frappuccino experience: A young woman I work with (we’ll call her “Sammy Sam” but that is not her real name in the slightest, I swear) recently passed her master’s thesis and I wanted to celebrate that. I’ve owed her a Starbucks date since before the Peppermint Mocha season kicked off; the Unicorn frappe news broke this past weekend and I knew it was finally time. So, I treated her. “What does it taste like?” I asked the barista. “Just like candy,” another barista quipped from the back. The woman I actually asked couldn’t find the words to describe it, I suppose.
I watched them make the drinks. One $5.25 Unicorn Frappuccino for me, one $5.25 Unicorn Frappuccino for Sammy-Sam. There were a lot of steps involved. Sammy-Sam used to work at Starbucks. She seemed stunned as well. “Ohhh look, that must be the fairy powder dusting,” I said as the barista made the finishing touches.
We stuck the kelly green straws in them. We took pictures. We snagged the Snapchat selfie w/the Starbucks Unicorn Frappe filter and shared that on our individual Snapchat stories and Instagram feeds like the social-media loving, Unicorn nerds that we are. And then, we tasted what a Unicorn supposedly tastes like.
It wasn’t good. It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t good. And I think it would have been better had the sun been shining and the temperature a little higher — not the gray, 45-degree, super-dank windy day that it was. I took the drink to my office and watched it at my desk. I let the whipped cream melt into the pink stuff. Then the blue stuff blended into the pink stuff making purple stuff. I drank only half of it, careful to take my time throughout the afternoon, and still ended up with an unhappy stomach. But Sammy-Sam and I — and a bazillion more Unicorn fans — got one hell of a pretty Instagram post out of the whole thing. Success, I say.
I paid $5 and a quarter for an Instagram post. Meanwhile, the other half of the internet is flaming pissed that anyone would go near the Unicorn Frappuccino. I’m still on the fence about going near it again, myself. But still – what fun. Y’all are mean. Stop the sugar-bashing and smile a little.